I have the tendency to overwhelm myself to a point of stagnancy. I paralyze and confuse myself over the simplest details which causes me to leave goals and task incomplete. This destructive habit then causes me to view myself as a failure and someone incapable of achieving simple and highly desired objectives. I am fully aware of this yet I can not seem to avoid the process from taking place.
Specifically this has recently happened during my attempt at blogging and setting up a website for my profile as an author and creative writer. I researched and researched until I found myself unresponsive in a maze of confusion and self doubt.
AM I a writer? Will I ever be able to turn my passion into a career? How will I ever be taken seriously if I can’t even figure out how to link my blog to a landing page?
I’ve begun to doubt my own reasoning and capabilities all because I have taken in entirely too much information at too fast of a pace and no immediate outlet to allow myself breathing room. I started this journey knowing that it would not be an overnight process yet I have this unrealistic desire to do it all in one night and by the morning be a well respected and well known author.
Why do I insist on setting myself up?
Honestly… I feel as if time is against me. If I take too long making all of this happen it just won’t happen at all. Or could it be that by taking my time I will in turn become lazy and end up with another incomplete and poorly thought out goal.
Despite the reasoning for why my brain operates in this counter-productive way (which is a separate post altogther) the fact that I am aware of its mechanics is a feat in itself. I have taken my awareness in this instance and used it as a topic of discussion.. Allowing myself room to breathe and reassess. Putting all of my cards on the table I can take a step back and say:
Okay Kenyatta, you’ve got this. There is a lot you are still learning but how will you learn if you do not take these risks? There is always room for improvement and if one way doesn’t work then try again until you get it right. You are allowed to make mistakes and the fact alone that you have taken the dive just goes to show that you are motivated and serious about this. You’ve got this.
More often than not I am facing a mirror and reminding myself that it’s not the end of the world in every aspect of my life. I get so worked up and overwhelmed I am prone to panic attacks and anxiety ridden chest pains. But I am rediscovering my purpose. I am here and I am typing and I am breathing and I am emptying myself out in order to fill the vessel up once more… With something better… Something more constructive.
So yes.. I am a poet. I am a writer. I am an inspiration and a mirror. I am the simple reminder that you are not alone and neither am I. We face obstacles. We face defeat. We face ourselves. And at the end of the day we have the opportunity to face forward with our heads held high, hand in hand… Because we have one another.
It’s okay. We got this.